It was a day like any other. The skies were a beautiful pale grey, the air was cold and crisp. All of the trees were dancing, and swaying with the breeze. The leaves rustling, cracking like a calming melody. Little did I know it was going to be one of many other days that would change my life forever.

I’ve always been a quite little girl, an introvert is what everyone says. Always on my own minding my own business, it’s how I liked it. Long stringy lifeless black hair, pale skin, and super skinny for my age. Will that ever change? There isn’t anything extraordinary about me, not that I’d believe you if you told me otherwise.

Today I’m with my half brother, and his side of the family. His dad, step mom, and two younger siblings. They’re nice they treat me like I belong, like I’m just like one of them. We’re all going to hangout, and watch movies today since there’s a storm rolling in. Those were supposed to be the plans anyway, so I thought.

My brother’s step mom who happens to be pregnant would go into false labor later this day, and that’s when they’d ask HIM to babysit. I guess he’s nice to us. Nicer to everyone else anyway, but that makes sense because they’re all related. Except me. My brother would be here to protect me though is what I kept telling myself, he’d never let anything happen to me, or let anyone be mean. Not to his little sister.

Later that night the contractions for her started, so that meant the shift would change, and he’d take over watching us for the night. I remember falling asleep holding my brother’s hand, my protector, oh how I adored my older brother. “Goodnight brother, love you sleep with the angels.” That was our thing we’d never let each other go to bed without saying it.

What happens next felt like a dream, an awful dream. One that would haunt me for years. I remember my hand being pried from my brothers. “What was going on? Was I squeezing it too tight?” Wrong. I was being moved to the other side of the bed, but I thought “maybe I was moving around, and hitting people or something.” Wrong again.

The next few things that happened were a blur, I just remember crying into my blanket, and squeezing my eyes as tight as I could. Hoping that I’d wake up soon, that this was a dream. That I’d hear my brother saying “wake up sister you were having a nightmare,” but that never came. I remember looking over at my brother when I opened my eyes, and he was sound asleep. I could hear my heart pounding in my eardrums, and I could feel warm clammy hands on me that weren’t mine. My body felt foreign, like I was floating, I was going numb.

This memory would come back to haunt me later on in life. It was just a dream right? That never happened, because the next day went on like it never did so maybe it wasn’t real? He went back to California with his family after that weekend, and I never had the courage to bring it up. I felt embarrassed, disgusted, and ashamed.

Years later at a family party is when it was confirmed. Not by an exchange of words though, just an icy cold glance from him, and a smirk. He remembered what he did. I felt violated all over again, like he had x-Ray vision and could see right through me. Through my soul and the secrets I tried to bury from that night.

For years I kept thinking why am I the one that has to feel shame? What did I do? I was a kid, I didn’t ask for this. Would you believe me if I said this was my story, and not that of nonfiction? Everything that’s happened in my life has led me to believe I was always the victim, but I choose not to have that title. I choose to be the Survivor. The heroine in this story. To speak out and say, “you’re not weak, and you didn’t deserve this.”

For a long time I let myself believe I was at fault. That I didn’t deserve love, or anything good because of what happened. We as SURVIVORS shouldn’t have to pay for it, but we do. Whoever we choose later on in life does too, but we get through it TOGETHER. Don’t let this ruin you like I almost let it do to me. This shouldn’t stop you from speaking out, but it almost always does. They should feel shame NOT YOU.

Today I stand strong, resilient, and unconditionally loving towards myself. Self love doesn’t come easy, but it gave me the strength that I fucking needed when I needed it. It took me years to find myself, and man did I have to dig deep. I don’t want to stand here, and lie by saying it was easy. It wasn’t by any means, but I decided I was going to be in control of how it made me feel, and who I was going to be after this. I wasn’t going to let it control me any longer. I was going to be in control, and not let that piece of shit take anything else from me. I am the Survivor.

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