I’ve been very transparent since the very beginning of this, and I just wouldn’t be staying true to myself if I didn’t share some of my darkest times. If I can help, or relate to anyone by sharing my experiences, then I’ve done something good in my life, and that’s my goal.

I mention my anxiety a lot, but I don’t think you guys understand the severity of it. At 9 years young I wanted to die, and I couldn’t tell anyone because no one understood the pain going on inside. I was alone trapped in my own mind. It was fight or flight in my mind CONSTANTLY. I remember not being able to eat. Anytime I tried my anxiety made me think I was choking so I’d immediately spit whatever it was out. So f*cking bad that I was being tested for childhood leukemia, because I was losing weight rapidly.

I wish I would’ve had someone that understood there to tell 9 year old me, “It’ll get better, that it would be alright.” That she would come out of this on the other end.

Instead, this continued on well into high school. It got so bad that I started missing school, and I had to take online classes. Around this time I was also diagnosed with asthma. So as you could imagine that only made the anxiety worse. At some point I was carrying around a portable nebulizer with me for fear of having an attack. I probably looked like a f*cking nut case, but I couldn’t differentiate anxiety, and asthma.

Those that knew me still didn’t know what I was struggling with. It was a constant uphill battle, and I didn’t know how to cope. I lost friends, and I rarely left my house. I had spiraled into a depression, and I felt so alone. I want to cry looking back on those times in my life. It’s like I’m looking back on someone else’s memories, because I’m far from that little girl.

That little girl made me so strong. She didn’t even know it back then, but she was strong too.

Dear 9 year old Ali, someone is coming to save you soon. Just hold on a little while longer. He’s going to come a little early, but God knows you need him sooner. Eyes the color of honey and green, dark brown hair, and rosey cheeks. He’s going to be the most perfect little boy you’ve ever seen, your angel on earth.. Isaiah.

Isaiah 41:10 “So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”

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