I find myself forgetting how soothing writing is for me.This last year and a half has really been one for the books, and not all in the best of ways. I started 2020 off complaining about needing my freedom like many others (thanks a lot pandemic.) While I was missing the freedom of the outside world, I forgot how lonely & isolating being inside of your own mind can feel. Trapped in my mind and fighting like hell to get back out.

We suffered two back to back losses in our family, and it felt very dark. I fell into an abyss that only I could will, and pull myself out of. (yet again) I just remember feeling so much sadness, and honestly I still do feel it A LOT. But as strange as it sounds I also experienced my best moments during those hard times. I appreciated my loved ones a whole lot more, I learned compassion and understanding, I got to spend lost time with family I didn’t have the opportunity of growing up with.

As life goes I gained time/new relationships, but I also lost it with others, and I was starting to become appreciative of it. In the beginning… it’s really weird for me to say that “the beginning,” I still feel like how do I know whether or not this is the end of grief/loss? It’s only been 1 year’s time it still is the beginning to me & many would agree I’m sure. I held a lot of anger and hurt after losing people during one of the darkest times of my life at first. My perspective and heart changed somewhere along the way I guess because I understand not completely, but my heart understands. I got to experience new love, and new life after so much loss.

I just want to say how grateful I am to be here. Even when I don’t say it out loud enough, or I don’t seem like I am. I AM SO GRATEFUL. So I’m going to continue to fight through my rough days, and smile more on my best days. Sending peace and light to those that need it.

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